The Blow Job Debate: Why Do Black Women Feel Shame in Giving Brain? Is There a Stigma for Black Girls as opposed to White Girls?

Let me be frank. One of my favorite pastimes is swallowing a huge, throbbing dick hungrily between my juicy lips.

I have an oral fixation that only meat can solve, and sucking the juices out of a long penis until my man breaks down under the heat of my sexual prowess and squirms and moans and twitches and balances himself as his knees buckle from the pressure thrills me like no other sexual act.

Sometimes, all I want to do is to give head (no sex, no eating out from him) and my hunger while sucking the life out of my man’s dick is insatiable.

But my relationship to oral sex hasn’t always been so pleasureful and free.

I gave head for the first time in college because, though I had the opportunity with my high-school boyfriend, I couldn’t shake the stigma attached to it that I heard everywhere growing up.

A woman that performed oral sex was labeled a chicken head whore who got her knees dirty and had no respect for herself. I heard this from men and women.

Sure there are exceptions, I assume, for women who are in a relationship and not sucking off the whole football team.

But as is the case with most stereotypes demeaning women, people only focus on the most negative scenario (girls who brain every man walking) while not even mentioning the cases (like in a relationship) where it is acceptable and even ideal to please your man.

Therefore, my seventeen year-old brain completely shut off the idea of EVER performing oral sex on a boyfriend, to my current man’s chagrin.

Today, many black women still carry the weight of the stigma attached to performing oral sex. Take my best friend since high school, for instance. She has given head maybe 2-3 times her whole life, and is married.

Sure blow jobs can be difficult (cue Samantha: “They don’t call it a job for nothing”) and usually don’t satisfy the giver, so that plays a role.

But one day, she finally opened up and admitted she didn’t want to fill the stereotype of the “chicken head” and no matter how much she tries, the thought of getting on her knees conjures images of submission and promiscuity that she’s not ready to embrace.

This weekend, the same thing occurred over brunch when a girlfriend said she never gives head. Another girl who was with us jumped in to say “Well, some women just don’t give head,” but I suspected there was more to it. And I was right.

She too had been exposed to negative stereotypes about black women giving brain, and was hesitant to ignore that mentality and just go for it.

Conversely, a white girl who was also at brunch said she never associated oral sex with being a whore or “chickenhead.”

In fact, in high school, it was viewed as a way to hook up with guys and keep your virginity, an ideal alternative to engaging in intercourse.

Makes sense, then, why many of them engage in it without the feeling of guilt, shame or embarrassment that a number of black women carry.

Of course, some women just don’t like giving head (I’m not one of them, obviously) but it’s interesting to see how stigmas, name-calling and cultural hang-ups have an impact on what we do in the privacy of our bedrooms.

Why is oral sex so weighted for black women? Do you think stigmas play a role in how we view and exercise our sexuality?

Have you ever dealt with a woman who wouldn’t give head because she thought it was “dirty” or for whores?

Do men experience similar gripes with performing oral sex on women? Or even sexual acts involving their butt that are socially considered “gay”? (Sidenote: one guy got furious when I touched his ass because of this.)

How do society’s hangups play a role in preventing us from letting loose in the bedroom?

Signed,

Spotlight

23 responses to “The Blow Job Debate: Why Do Black Women Feel Shame in Giving Brain? Is There a Stigma for Black Girls as opposed to White Girls?

  1. For some reason black women only feel being a good sex partner is important in certain situations! Like a rich ball player or entertainer. A man with a good paying job or a married man that she desires really bad! Oh yeah, they will gladly suck a white man and think nothing of it. Your common hard working UPS or postal worker has to go through hell for good black woman sex! That is why u see good job black women without men. And yet have the nerve to question liking other races of women who will gladly take these hard working black stallions!

  2. I have been with more black women than white (I am white), and can tell you from experience, black women enjoy giving head, and they are VERY good at it. Very seldom did I have to suggest — they were proactive in pleasing.

  3. In the blink of an eye I’ll give mt wife head til she comes but she won’t do the same for me anymore? In the beginning of our relations everything was so hot, but something is missing now.. You know, the women who’ll do anything to pleasure me and I’ll do the same+. I know that’s what kept things so hot between us and now its like? Gone? Then we like Y or what happened to our adventurous motions. Back then I couldn’t wait to get her all to myself, now its whenever

  4. Well as a black woman, I think oral sex is demeaning if your not married to the man your giving it to;i have always felt like sex in general outside of marriage, even if you were in a manogamous relationship, made you a chicken head or ho because you were not honoring your body or God when you were doing it; and because it does not bring pleasure to a woman,i feel like she would be giving too much of herself to someone who doesn’t deserve it and that would make her and the guy whores.

  5. No shame in Prince’s game when he sang “morning, noon, and night” he was getting head. That song came out when I was in high school, so I never saw any shame in it as a Black female.

  6. I’m gonna have to co-sign with Melodee and IMO I don’t see anything wrong with doing it. I was one of those people who was “fucking b4 sucking” while some of my friends were “sucking b4 fucking”. Although sex was the main topic in high school, oral sex wasn’t really mentioned, even though a number of people was doing it. Anyways the stigma had a lil something to do with it but as I got older I accepted it as something that came with sex. With that said theres nothing wrong with enjoying one’s self orally, just be careful of who you are (maybe quick) give/take it to/from…theres STDs to worry about!

  7. Coming from a male perspective. There is nothing wrong with women as a whole, not black or white, but women giving head. At the end of the day it is a sexual act, to please your spouse. If you worrying about negative stigmas, the same stigma can be casted on even if you don’t give head, but you still have sex. Point blank. If you go sucking off EVERYBODY then of course your gonna be look at as a hoe. If you keep ur business private and your discrete bout yours you shouldn’t have to worry about negative stigmas. Even if you do suck the whole hood off lmao ( comedic relief)

  8. well lets try view oral sex (or sex in general) 4 its reason yawh made sex so its holy but only in his divine order so for all us (and me before i was called to him) sex is nasty (oral sex) when its out of his will we have girlfriend after girlfriend and boyfriend after boyfriend and think we suppose to do these thinks 4 everybody (oral,or just sex)this is something special so its for that special person (husband,wife not girlfriend or boyfriend) so when we have had more then one mate then i can see it been looked at as nasty so if you are having oral sex or just sex not only are you out of his will but what can you look for on your wedding night and lets not even talk about std’s so if you are having sex now thats not love thats lust and lust is not a good foundation to build a happy home on if you stop having sex or oral and that person stays and dont cheat or gets frustrated (fight 4 no reason) then you got a good chance at LOVE but if they do then you now what you got LUST so keep your tongues in your mouth and your lips closed and may the father,the son,and holy sprite bring you the right person so you can what you like to do amen

  9. AWESOME JAWSOME
    …never really gave in or cared about stigmas. I like what I like and do it right!

  10. Allow me to further express the great joy select ladies (myself included) find in taking on the blow-job. its spectacular, i love doing it.
    I also feel as though we must regard the golden rule when it comes to oral sex. Its only that much better when you are receiving it as often.
    As for those ladies that have “those friends” that have never done it. DO NOT believe them.
    I had a black friend that went on and on about how she “doesn’t do that.” Well, i took her out and got her twisted and she confessed to all the freaky stuff she loves to do, including the blow-job!!
    If you have done it and don’t like it, that’s cool. But just like Samantha from SATC says, “i”ll try anything once.”
    you never know, you might like it!

    @chrissy, i agree completely with your stigma explanation..

  11. I think the stigma has a lot to do with how ppl reference it. Guys (and some women) when wanting to be disrespectful and demeaning the first thing the say is “suck my d*ck!!” Like only scum would do such a thing and that’s all you’re worth. Those who decide not to perform the act don’t want to be associated with that

  12. Growing up in a west indian background surrounded by mainly west indians there has always been a very negative stigma attached. One which exists even today. Growing and coming into my own sexuality, I have come to ignore and accept. I thought I was the only one Spotlight! For me it’s the control – I love the control factor involved.

  13. hmmm. i’ve only really come across one woman in my sexual experiences that just didn’t give head. i’ve even come across a couple who love to give up hate to receive (much to my dismay).

    i’ve heard this stigma but thankfully i really haven’t experienced it.

  14. Hey Brooklyn Bred,

    I love giving head now as an older woman but as the article reads, I didn’t start giving head until college. The reason I didn’t give head in high school, as a seventeen year-old, is because of the stigmas I heard growing up. Hope that’s clear :)

  15. there is nothing wrong with a woman who wants to give head to her man. i think black women dont like to do it as much because it can be viewed as a form of submissiveness. black women have 2 strikes against them being black and being women in society, so such acts might seem like its self degrading. white women probably dont see it the same way.

  16. Can you clear up something for me? The first couple of sentences say you love to give head but further down you say, “Therefore, my seventeen year-old brain completely shut off the idea of EVER performing oral sex on a boyfriend, to my current man’s chagrin.” Do you or don’t you (since you said in the latter that you’ve shut down the thought)?

  17. love this topic!

    posted a brief response on my blog. a friend tweeted me to comment, but i knew 140 characters just wasnt going to cut it.

    http://wisdmwithouttheo.blogspot.com/2010/07/friend-of-mine-recently-posted-link-to.html

  18. I grew up with that stigma as well if you went down on a guy you were considered ‘nasty’. Now I know that’s not the case but even now every guy I’m with doesn’t get the same thing. For me to give a bj, i have to really like you.

  19. interesting part of this post: “Conversely, a white girl who was also at brunch said she never associated oral sex with being a whore or “chickenhead.”

    It is just sex and we make it a bad thing with the labels we slap on it…

  20. It amazes me how so many grown women still lie about giving head because they are ashame of what people may say. Back in college I was one of those women who put on a front for my girls bc they stated it was nasty and would never do it, but little did I know we were all undercover cock suckers lol. We laugh about it now, but why did we feel the need to put up a front in the first place.

  21. aww man……I LOVE GIVING HEAD. I have since i first discovered what a good blow job will make a male do for you at the ripe young age of 15. I mean the sterotype has always been there but i grew up in the Lil Kim generation. She told me it wasnt anything wrong with going down.

    hell i wrote an ode to my adoration of oral sex called oral fixation…

    http://hazysin.blogspot.com/2009/09/sex.html

  22. Good read!! I too recall the shame that came along with being the girl that willingly (even if not freely) gave BJ’s. I was actually raised a little differently. I was always told (from the age of about 19) that if I didn’t do it, the next woman would. It started out as an obligation, but a man’s reaction to it is priceless. I got a little cocky and silently insisted on doing it.

    As long as your mouth doesn’t become community property, I really don’t see the big deal.

  23. I grew up with the same stigmatisms, but being from a west indian background, oral sex on the whole was a forbidden act. Always the blacksheep, I never felt into that, oh I shouldn’t kind of nonesense. I love giving head to my boyfriend, I know it pleases him tremendously, and it gives me a sexual high. Prior to this relationship, I have been with men, mostly of the west indian race, that liked receiving it, but refused to do it, lets just say those relationships didn’t last as long.
    All in all, its a beautiful experience, that all should take part in, if you have the heart too..

    xoxoxo.. Dolce

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s