What To Do When The Sex is Bad, but Everything Else is Good (Leave!)

In Flashing Lights’ post about her scary, interracial sex, a commenter wrote:

…upholding sexual gratification as the determining factor to a relationship is kind of shallow, isn’t it?

Shallow, maybe. But completely understandable.

Don’t judge me, yet.

There are forces in a relationship that are more carnal, than emotional or mental. Like physical attraction.

Physical attraction is an important part of a relationship and a legitimate criterion when looking for a potential mate. It’s the initial force that draws two people together. It’s not shallow to be turned off by someone you’re not physically attracted to, it’s just honest.

I look at bad sex the same way. In a relationship, there’s nothing wrong with expecting to be satisfied sexually. And if your partner sucks in bed, and can’t be taught, why subject yourself to bad sex for the sake of a relationship?

I was in this situation once. I was with the most attractive man I’ve ever dated. Smooth brown skin, dimples, chiseled abs, muscular arms, long dick, juicy lips, everything you’d want in a man.

When he walked up to my bed, he looked like a bodybuilder or a Greek God. I was uncontrollably attracted to him. I wanted to lick every inch of him.

As soon as he slid in though, he started jack-rabbit sexing me. This wasn’t just any jack rabbit sex. I couldn’t breathe because I was being jolted back and forth so fast. Gum flew out of my mouth. I just wanted it to stop.

When it was finally over, he felt like he had done something. Ugh.

I tried to make it work. The next time we had sex, I told him to slow down. Try different speeds, new positions. Get me excited. (Why do I have to tell a 30 year-old man this, I don’t know!) But when he went slow, he didn’t even know how to pump! He just laid there.

Since I liked him, enjoyed his company and he had his shit together (he had a job, his own apartment and car), I tried to force myself to stay with him. My reasoning was that leaving someone for bad sex alone is shallow and unfair, right? Wrong.

It was like torture.

Despite my best efforts, the physical attraction (in bed) was gone and I was repelled by the thought of rag-dolling night after night. I tried to stick it out, but cut it off after our first fight.

Would I have stayed if the sex was good? Maybe. And anyone who has had incredible makeup sex knows why. Great sex can sometimes help a relationship last longer. After an amazing orgasm, whatever you were arguing about just doesn’t seem that important any more.

On the other hand, I know people that just don’t like sex that much. They can stay in a great relationship if there’s no chemistry between the sheets, because they’re not that crazy about sex in the first place.

In my opinion, sexual compatibility is as important as everything else, including looks, values, morals, a career, financial independence (read: your own apartment and income), drive and intelligence.

Call me “shallow,” but at least I’ll be shallow and sexually satisfied.

Do you agree? Do you stick it out with people who are bad in bed because they’re good in other areas? Would you leave someone who was bad in bed? Have you ever stayed with someone just because they’re good in bed? Discuss.

8 responses to “What To Do When The Sex is Bad, but Everything Else is Good (Leave!)

  1. I always am amazed that many times most will attribute the bad sex to the male, as if it is his job to “perform”. Here is what I have learned in my 50 years of being a student of emotional and sexual intimacy.

    1) It is truly a spiritual connection when it is GREAT.
    2) There is a male and female energy that must exist in its NATURAL state to allow for the exchange the energy between the couple.
    3) The natural state is the energy flows from the male to the female; (A) If the female is with a male who is not truly attracted to her female essence (ie In his eyes, she is both beautiful and accommodating), and/OR (B) If the male is with a female who is not truly attracted to his masculine energy (ie In here eyes he is fit, energetic, and a proactive provider), then the energy exchange is blocked, and there will be no fireworks.
    4) You have thousands of potential “soul mates” who, when you are coupled with, complete the circuit and allow for the energy exchange to exist.

    With this said, some of you reading this will NEVER have the experience of truly GREAT “sex” due to ignorance on the natural state of the male female energy exchange, and the circuit as designed by God is never given a chance to be completed.

    I will give you an example: The poster named Jello above obviously does not have the energy circuit completed with her current boyfriend, and it appears that perhaps her low self esteem is a mirror reflecting her parners lack of attraction to her, she does not feel “desired” by him, so she flirts and has acted out seeking the natural male female energy exchange.

    Just some thoughts for your collective consideration.

  2. I’m in a 6 1/2 yr relationship. We started dating back in Gr. 11 which is when we were 17. Obviously, we both lost our virginity to each other. Sex is amazing since I have nothing to compare it to. Throughout this relationship I have always fantasized about being another man. But I never cheated. I have always flirted with other guys but never considered having sex with them or anything. What I have with my bf is too good to let go. We’ve stuck it out for this long. It all started when I went to vegas last summer. I got a lil sloppy and started hooking up with other guys but nothing went further than that. Until November, me and my friend went on a trip to miami. Bottomline, temptation kicked in and I ended up having sex with another guy. AND MAN oh was it ever good. Until now, I still think about how great that one night stand was. Now its starting to make me question my relationship with my man. What I did was selfish, VERY selfish because he is the best bf i know. He spoils me, he does everything for me but there is always something missing. Could it be sex? I’m very confused. I have a very low self esteem, and knowing that other guys was attracted to me made me feel good. But never in my plan was to ever have sex with another man. However, I did the one thing I told my self I wouldn’t do. Comparing our sex now with that one night stand was like a night and day. I don’t know if he’s worth staying or not. Is it worth giving up 6 yrs of relationship just because of my “shallow” needs? I would appreciate an honest opinion.

  3. What I hate more than anything is when the sex is great but u hardly ever do it…like the time isn’t made to bond sexually with your partner…that’s incredibly frustrating.

  4. i think if you KNOW that he can approve the sex with a lil coaching than yea u stick around but if there’s no hope then Carmool must bounce..once she said when she asked him 2 slow it down he totally stopped UUGGHH!

  5. I don’t think its shallow at all, u r a human being with needs. Being with someone strictly bcuz they treat u good and the sex is bad is a fairy tale idea and not realistic. A person has the right to b fully satisfied if they r committing to one person. Finding the balance btwn good sex and good relationship is not easy, and good sex with a bad relationship is not the best thing to do in my opinion unless if both ppl agree that it is only that and nothing more. These factors make finding someone compatible a hard thing and many ppl have testimony to that. As far as I go, I have dealt with it with my first bcuz I didn’t know better and as time went on I was the one taking charge in the bedroom and dealing with a “starfish”…laying there and taking the D, arms and legs out. The relationship ended up going sour anyway but the point is I don’t think its wise to settle for bad sex, I wouldn’t do it.

  6. Sex is a very important part of a relationship and no matter how good everything else is there still needs to be good sexual chemistry. sites like http://www.truedreamdate.com allow people to be frank and let others know what is important to them in a relationship. Ive yet to see a profile on there that doesnt say they want good sexual chemistry.

  7. I can attest to this one! If you read the post “The best sex I had with the worse I ever known”. That guy was trash, my friends all thought he was trash including the other lights but the sex was soooo amazing that I stayed longer then I should have. Put up with the worse only because I could black out during our sex, and do positions that I thought my physical body could not do. Can’t even front, while I’m sitting here, I am fantasizing the amazing hours of passion…. I’m a sap and at times not too “crazy” about sex so I could see myself staying with someone whose sex was bad or the dick was not amazing due to him being amazing in other things and keeping my happy in other ways more important then a good moan…right?

  8. i could never stay in a relationship where they was no sexual chemistry. i’ve tried before and it failed. it lead to disdain. she thought i was cheating because i just wasn’t interested in having sex with her. *shrug*

    i don’t think it’s shallow at all to leave someone because of bad sex. if you’ve worked with them and things don’t get any better then what are you supposed to do? just be miserable? i think not.

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